How to Approach Boundary Violations in Relationships
It’s fair to say that every couple will have their disagreements. Whether you’re in a relationship with a partner, spouse, or significant other, boundaries need to be maintained in order for it to function.
Boundaries can be explicit and clearly outlined or unspoken and even unconscious. Regardless of how aware either party may be of them, one thing is clear: whenever they are broken, tension and conflict will follow because there is an underlying feeling of disrespect. So when our partner violates a boundary, how can we go about addressing it?
Define intention. Is it this a betrayal of agreement or an act of ignorance? In order to work toward a solution, you need to understand where the underlying disconnect lies. Refrain from using labels (i.e., you’re a liar) which can elicit defensive reactions and escalate the interaction.
Move from the action to its effects. Placing too much emphasis on the boundary crossing itself can muddle the conversation while keeping it surface level. Remember, a relational rule, unspoken or not, has been broken between you both and you need to address why it exists in the first place. Do we do this to feel safe? To build trust? And with this boundary violated, how does it affect our relationship?
Agree to the boundary. After communicating, set/reset the expectations and ensure both parties give verbal acquiescence. If reminders are necessary, figure out a system that for both of you. Acknowledge the purpose these boundaries serve and how they need to be adhered to in order to make your relationship work.
Assess for safety. If you partner engages in denial, blaming, or gaslighting around boundary crossings, it’s a red flag and can, over time, indicate emotional abuse. Additionally, if you feel at any point you are in danger, it is always appropriate to walk way and see professional help.
Relationships might never be easy and we all struggle at some point or another. Working to identify and address boundary crossings in a healthy and direct way will allow us to exercise better understanding of both ourself, our partner, and the relationship.